Earth Bound Soul

My tribe of women are strong.

Yesterday, I was surrounded by a tribe of women. Beautiful, gentle souls. They had all gathered to honor my entry into motherhood with my husband and son and to give me their love and support. Something I so desperately need and thrive on right now in the absence of a mother or maternal support.

The setting was beautiful. The people I loved were near. It was going to be a beautiful day for us to remember forever.

As the blessingway was about to start, my best friend came to me and whispered that she was bleeding. She is 17 weeks pregnant. We went inside to try and figure out what we should do. She was an hour from her home and family and had only seen her midwife once and wasn't sure she was going I continue seeing her. I called my midwife who gave us suggestions. Ultimately, we went to the closest hospital where she was admitted for observation.

I so much needed this baby shower. As an affirmation to my strength as a woman but also as a mother. I desperately needed to feel loved and supported by women and by the people I cared most about. I needed them to show that they loved and cared about us.

After we left for the hospital, my friends and family bound together for my best friend. Praying for her and making her a prayer bracelet with beads that they blessed. They videoed the ceremony for us to watch when we can. Most of these girls had only met my best friend once, possibly twice, yet they immediately sprang into action to give her whatever spirit and energy they could.

They also continued with my blessingway, making me a beautiful necklace of love and support. They wanted me to know how much they love me and that we are all held together with the same thread.

I can't ever express to them how much it means to me that not only did they send love up for me, but they surrounded my best friend with light and force. They went above and beyond anything I could have asked for. These women, this tribe, have shown me love beyond words. And that is more than I could have ever asked for.

(as of right now, we still aren't sure why she is bleeding but everything checks out ok medically. We are still praying that she and the baby continue to grow and be ok.)

what do I really, really, really want?

for a woman so opinionated, you'd think the answer was simple, or even clear. but it has never been simple. or clear. 

I want so much but at the same time, find peace in being content with what is.

is it selfish to want? I ask myself. 

or, is wanting simply dreaming? or perhaps just setting goals? 

 

...I want so much.

equality and respect for women. so much so that there have been talks of a revolution.

I want real food available to everyone. oh, and health care. I want that to be free.

I want people to honor each other and realize that there is so much more to living than what you can buy.

I want to crumble all the walls that protect me so that I can live a life of unbridled joy.

I want to always be at peace with myself and my world, showing my children how to honor themselves as they grow. 

I want to remain confident in myself even when faced with uncertainties.

I want to surround myself with a tribe of women who heal and protect and love one another at all times. 

I want simplicity. and peace. and love. and respect.

and healing. 

and light.

I want a better life for everyone.

is that too much to ask?

 

now, what do you really, really, really want?

a grateful thank you to rain, for her soul-stirring prompts for warrioresses. you are beauty. 

Grateful.

My husband and I have a great relationship. We've evolved from the ripping your clothes off every time you see each other madness to a place where we are both comfortable enough to laugh at ourselves, as well as each other. Don't get me wrong, the passion is still there. But there is something so gratifying in being able to be your complete honest self with someone no matter how silly or crazy you might appear to them.

This is something that has taken me a while to learn. And I have done it kicking and screaming.

See, being lighthearted, especially in a deep committed relationship is not something that comes easy to me. It used to. I used to be that girl. The one who could joke about anything and make fun of herself and feel lighthearted no matter what. But years of darkness finally silenced her. And coming back into the light has not been easy. And to be honest, I'm still learning, struggling, journeying.

The best part of all is that my sweet, beautiful, loving, crazy, obnoxiously lighthearted husband has given me room to grow. He's had his own frustrations along the way, I know. But at the end of the day he will look at me and say "I love you. That's it. I just love you."

And for that, I am grateful.

8.

Tomorrow, my child turns eight.

As any mother can tell you, learning from your child is one of the most heart wrenching, soul filling experiences you can have as a woman. He came to me, eyes closed, nuzzling into my breast almost before I held him. Over the years, he has taught me how to become a better person. A patient, loving, open minded person. I only hope I've taught him half as well.

He is sassy, inquisitive, funny, intelligent, hard headed, determine, dirty, loving, sensitive, artistic, imaginative, beautiful and perfect to me. He is often way too loud, covered in dirt, making a mess and having a ball while doing it. If only we could all be so free and happy.

He loves lego, Harry Potter, waffles, fried chicken, ice cream, calamari, sushi, dancing, singing, our dogs, his new baby brother or sister, his family and getting into stuff.

He isn't fond of chocolate cake, beans, religion, bullies, baths that are too hot, being bossed around and going to bed alone. 

He fills me with pride and love daily. He can make me laugh like no other. He still climbs onto my lap for cuddles and gives the sweetest kisses. He has made the person I am today. A more loving woman. A good mom. A sensitive soul.

Happy Birthday, Monkey!

moving forward.

After my last post about what I'd like to be when I grow up, I took some initiative and started talking to people. People I love and who love me. People who I trust to support me but also to tell me the truth. I've started on a meandering path towards learning more of the earths healing properties. It might be a slow one, but the ball is rolling. 

My midwife lent me two of her own reference books. I must get them for myself, along with another few that she recommends. "The Scientific Validation of Herbal Medicine" by Daniel B. Mowrey, Ph. D. and "School of Natural Healing" by Dr. John R. Christopher. I also love Susan Weed. She is a breath of fresh air and has several books of knowledge including "Healing Wise". On her website, you can become a member of the forum and chat with hundreds of other Wise Women, of all backgrounds and varying levels of education. I have found some very useful information in these forums. 

I'm asking around to see if there are any local herbalists who might take me under their wing to show me the moss covered ropes. I learn best when actively participating. Studying can come after I know what I'm doing...

I've also looking into how this path could be entwined into my every day. I already have friends and clients who ask me to refer something natural to them with certain aches and pains. But I also suggest to people I know, who I think might be open to the natural healing lifestyle, herbs or healing foods they might want to try for certain ailments. Most people are amazed at what an essential oil can do. What until they get into tinctures!

*hello from the "infertile" woman who got knocked up while healing herself on raw foods and tinctures* 

As my belly grows, so does my desire to nourish and heal. To advocate to someone that they indeed have the power to heal themselves and to become a more energetic being on this earth. Always looking at ways to make these desires and interests of mine work together. 

My midwife suggested I look into becoming a doula after our very lengthy conversation a few weeks ago. The thought had crossed my mind in the past, but it was amazing to hear someone say it out loud. I haven't fully taken that challenge on yet, but I do have a dear friend who's shown great interest in me being her doula with or without the necessary schooling. But then again, we have known each other since, well, I can't remember not knowing her. I feel confident being her doula/coach/friend/support throughout her journey into motherhood and beyond. It will be a beautiful time spent together. 

You hear people say all the time that your dreams can come true. And I believe that in a sense, this is true. They will not magically present themselves to your feet after a single thought passes through your mind of a dream you desire to come to fruition. But rather, when putting your positive energies into these dreams by pursuing them the best way you know how, and letting the earth hear your words and desires, great things can happen. and will happen. 

 

when I grow up.

Some people know, from a very early age, what they want to do on this earth for the rest of their lives. I, on the other hand, seem to fall in love with a different occupation every year or two. This is not a bad thing. I have learned that it is my nature. Evolution is beautiful. A few things do remain constant within those changes, however. 

a. I want to do something with my hands. create. build. dig in.

b. I want to help others. to change their lives for the better somehow. to solve their problems.

c. I feel passionate about it. sometimes too passionate! 

d. I get so excited and overwhelmed and take on way to much way too fast and ...

e. I tend to fizzle out a little while after I start. 

this really just pisses me off.

so, what's a girl to do? there is a new path I want to take, a lovely, grass covered path, lined with sage and trust. I can see the light bouncing off the plants now. I feel in my heart that this path will lead me into great fields of work and inspiration. I have been consistently studying this area for a few years and have even looked into several different career options that might come of it. I have continued to study, for person enjoyment and for my families needs, not giving much thought to the business side of it until recently. But, how do I keep from becoming overwhelmed, halting my learning and possibly ending what could be a great beginning to a beautiful area of my life?

I started out about 4 years ago wanting to go back to school to become a Naturopath. I believe that we are filling our bodies with so many unnatural things and are therefore making ourselves so sick. This can be prevented, even reversed. I wanted to teach others, to encourage them that there is another way, besides popping pills to mask the symptoms and ignoring the issues instead. Upon looking into this, I discovered that not only would I have to go to medical school (yikes!), then go to 4 years of naturopath school, but I would more than likely have to move across the country because there is no naturopath school near me. Apparently, Arizona has a great one. As does Oregon. By the time I finished with school, and never seeing my family or children in the process, I would be hitting 50 and not too keen on starting a practice at that point in my life. Plus, I'd be exhausted by then and probably just want to retire. Plan B.

Next, I looked into becoming a Nutritionist. I love eating healthy, but can certainly put away the junk food when the mood strikes. Lately, that bell has been ringing a lot. (thanks baby) It sounded ok, but it didn't speak to my heart the way becoming a Naturopath did. Quickly moving on to Plan C.

I started studying alternative medicines, treatments and herbs. I really enjoyed it and have continued to consult my books for several years now. I have incorporated many new herbs, vitamins and tinctures into our daily routine. I have moved into natural treatments for common colds, burns, etc. It goes hand in hand with living a whole food based lifestyle and can be done on any scale. I believe that what we eat, or don't eat, can heal us. Natural medicine is really speaking to me. 

I read a book called Medicine Man by Robert J. Conley a few months ago and instantly rolled over in bed upon finishing it to tell my husband that I was going to become a Medicine Woman. He chuckled and told me he could just picture it. Me handing out jars of tinctures and poultices to my clients. I could see it too. I still can. It makes me smile and lightens my heart.

Recently, in an attempt to gather more knowledge of herbs and natural healing ways, I have stumbled across several websites, blogs, and books that teach people about herbs, their uses and how to put them into practice in your own life. The more I see of this the more I love the way it makes me feel inside. 

I ran across Kiva Rose somewhere along the way. I watched  a video that was promoting her new course Herb Energetics. I have watched the first installment and have another gorgeous e-mail just waiting for me to open it and learn about taste and the six flavors. It sounds glorious, right? This course is a building block for me. To delve a little deeper into my practice to see where I really am with the plants and how far I want to take this. Her knowledge of the earth and plants really has encouraged me to learn more. That I can do this at any level, for any reason. 

I've also come across Aviva Romm. Right now, she is inspiring me to look forward down the road, at what I can become. I can't justify taking her course right now for many, many reasons. It's nice to have a goal though. I think her path will cross mine sooner rather than later. 

I am trying to take this slow and learn at my own pace so that I don't get overwhelmed and discouraged. I feel like I have helped some people through natural medicine, myself included. Every day I feel strong and more connected to this...calling. This evolution of my soul. 

growing light.

My family and I have spent the past several days together. Unpacking moving boxes, watching movies, eating, laughing, making space in the corners of our home. It has been a great few days. The sort of days that you might take for granted, but shouldn't. We even managed a baby bump photo shoot one afternoon. (I'll post a photo or two at the end.)

The majority of the past 2 days have been spent finishing the unpacking of boxes that were overtaking our garage since our move last month. My husband and I have worked together for hours over the past two days to get boxes emptied and things put away. As I work, I often have a running dialogue in my head of things I'm thinking about, working through, planning, contemplating, etc. I have been really focused on light during these last few days. As in, lighten-ing. As in, letting go and making space and breathing.

I carry things with me both emotionally and physically. As a result, I have boxes and boxes of stuff that I have carried from home to home to home. Baggage. Some of which I was happy to be reunited with but letting go of the unneeded and releasing the unnecessary has made me feel lighter. It's like spring cleaning for the soul. Clearing out the cobwebs of time and letting the warm sun shine in. light.

While we managed to empty the garage, there is still much work to do. My art space is by far going to be the pièce de résistance as the room is barely penetrable at this moment. But what has been done so far has been enlightening. I am anxious to move forward into my space. It will hold many transformations for me. My art space used to be my sanctuary. My escape. My way to ignore what was happening around me. It wasn't healing or generous. It was painful.

Over the last 2 years, I have found my voice in my art. I have grown into the artist I am today. I am still growing and learning, but I have, so far, done this without the surroundings of my former area. It will be interesting to see how I let go in this room. I have a hope in my heart of what I would like it to feel like, but sometimes, emotions get the best of us all. My goal is to create a space that is warm and inviting. Open and sacred. Emotional and thought provoking. Healing. Light.

Learning to let go for your own benefit is a difficult, painful task to learn. As a child I grew up having to let go of everything that I had, knew and loved over and over again. Nothing was constant in my life. Not who raised me, not where I lived, not the school I went to or even the rules I had to follow. You learn to detach yourself from things that matter and jump through hoops. 

As an adult, I took some super secret oath to never let go. Of anything. Not scraps of paper, or old scrub brushes. This too became a problem. Upon my awakening, which is what I like to call to period of time that I woke up and started living MY life, I was fearful of letting go. Letting go meant perhaps that the previous years of my life weren't valid. Or that I was trying to somehow forget a time when I was hurting rather than focusing on the beauty that I was blessed with, such as my son. So I started with baby steps. Anything broken, un-fixable, unwearable or outdated could go. What a huge step for me. I struggled, really I did. It was like ripping off an arm to get me to throw out an old newspaper. 

Over the past 4 years, I have become braver at letting go and genuinely being ok with that. Chalk it up to feeling secure and loved and validated. However, I still have to be the one to make the decision of what can stay and what can go. But I am doing it. And that, my friends, is what is really important. Taking steps forward into my new life that is filled with love and laughter and light.

I read this post on Roots of She recently and feel that it is fitting for today.

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.

-Rachel Naomi Remen"

This is what runs through my heart now.

Letting go to become who I am.

And it feels damn good.

And now... the baby bump.

26ish weeks along. 

*photos by my genius husband. Ian Norris*

 

with the boy.

my word.

Everyone is doing it. 

Choosing a word for the new year, that is.

A word to live by, grow by, learn by. A word that might encourage their soul to expand, to embrace, to venture into un-chartered territories. A word that speaks to them. That gives them hope and focus.

It's not a new thing to do. I have had friends who have done this for years. I never have for whatever reason but I've always admired those who chose a word and stuck with it through the year long enough to actually see the blessings that it might provide. This year, my soul is yearning for a point of focus for the upcoming year. Something that will guide me in my soul journey, which I started many years ago, but have really focused upon it this past year. 

Listening to your soul is a beautiful and oh so intimidating thing to do. What if it says something you aren't ready to hear? Because it will...

I have thought for days and weeks on end about my word. The word. What could it be? What do I need most? What word fills me? What word will give me strength and wisdom and guidance? 

I've considered love, for self, of self, and for others.

I've considered trust, in myself and of others.

I've considered breathe, for my soul and for becoming centered.

It seems that I could benefit from many great words this year. I have been reading many articles, blog posts and books these past few weeks, searching for a word. Trying many on for size, but nothing felt...right. Nothing fit. It wasn't until after reading  this post from Liz about her word for last year and the blessings she felt because of her focus on this word, that I knew what I needed.

LIGHT.

It fits the path I have been journeying down for months and weeks and years. I need light for all of the same reasons as Liz but also for my own personal reasons. I hope Liz is comfortable with me using her word for myself this year. 

Without light, things don't grow. Without light, colors aren't seen. Without light, there is no path. I need light to guide me, warm me, help me grow. To see myself. To fill the corners that have been packed deep with baggage that I now yearn to air out. Light can make you see what you have overlooked  and forces you to take a stand in your life. 

My hope is that this year will shine the light on all of the blessings my family and I have been fortunate enough to receive. That this light will bless the child that I am now carrying. That this light will show me the way in my soul journey and guide my husband and I in being loving parents to our children. This light will be a beacon of strength in the times that I falter and will warm my face when I am in need of it. 

This year, I choose light.

What word moves you at this point in your journey? 

	There is a force in the Universe, which if we permit it, will flow through us and provide miraculous results.  ~Gandhi~

 

Letting go and feeling down.

After releasing things that no longer served me in my Releasing Ceremony this month, I have felt a little, well, let down. I was expecting to feel this huge release of tension and weight and to feel born again. While I do feel as though I am no longer haunted by the things that I released, I am feeling exhausted mentally and spiritually. 

I've taken naps, which is fairly unheard of for me. I've just sat and let the stillness wash over me. I've kept myself busy with organizing recipes and restructuring this blog. (along with some help from my husband. Thank you love.) 

I then finally read this article from the Daily OM that had been sitting in my in-box for a few days now and instantly felt connected. The article suggests that with deep inner work and cleansing comes feelings of deep fatigue and even sadness. I've definitely felt the fatigue part, which I usually chalk up to being pregnant, but this time it feels different. It's deeper. 

Pixie Campbell, great ceremony leader of SouLodge, writes about having a Solstice hangover on her blog. She suggests:

"Envision a source of light protection around you if you are feeling raw."

This is exactly what I shall do. 

Fingers of warmth...

With the new moon, we welcome everything positive for the new year. Pixie has posted a Candle Ritual, which I will be doing. I believe in the laws of attraction. If you think something is going to be bad, it will be. Attract the good. The warmth. The love. 

Surround yourself with a source of love and light. 

Below is the Candle Ritual from Pixie's blog. Join us if you need some positivity. (Thank you Pixie, for sharing this with our weary souls)

*Candle Ritual for Calling in Positive New Year Visions

If you are feeling groggy, unclear, or in a crash, move into this exercise gently:

Anoint a new candle, blessing it with prayers and oils. Keep the oil to the outside of the candle and not right up on the wick. Envision yourself in the new way, post releasing ceremony. Think of what wondrous experiences come next for you, and see it playing out as you light your candle.

When you feel complete with your vision for yourself, imagine how your vision will integrate with the cosmos and ripple out through your family and the greater human tribe. Note what feelings are hugged up around you.

When you're finished with this ritual, blow out your candle and save it for use only with this meditation, to fortify you each new moon throughout the year, or whenever you need a boost to lift you back into your fierce and powerful heartspace and vision.*

"The soul, like the moon, is new and always new again. ~ Lalleswari

 

 

What is Christmas?

I've always loved Christmas. As a child, I so enjoyed getting the things I had asked for so painstakingly over the year. The anticipation ran on for what seemed like months, only to end in a climactic heap of wrapping paper and bows reused from the year before. For me, Christmas was the one time a year I was allowed to be selfish and not share anything with my sister. It was also the only time of the year that I truly believed in magic and hoped that Santa would hear my prayers for that Cabbage Patch Doll.

As I grew older, I learned to expect less. At first, I was sad. I thought that love was measured in the was others gave you as gifts. One year, when all my mother got me for Christmas was a box of Queen Anne's Chocolate Covered Cherries, I was heartbroken. Not because she didn't spend a lot of money on me, but because she didn't spend a lot of thought on me. 

When I became a grown up and started gifting for others, I tried my hardest to make every gift count. I thought about the kind of person they were and what thing they might overlook for themselves. I loved giving gifts. 

I became somewhat of a non-celebrator a few years ago. I was just so disillusioned with everything, even Christmas. It had (and has) become so commercial and so much about getting the biggest, best, *insert random item here* that you probably really don't need in the first place, that I cringed at the thought of Christmas shopping. I really dislike Black Friday. And I wished that more people focused on what really matters in life, rather than how big their TVs are. So, I would buy or make a few things for my nearest and dearest, and didn't feel obliged to give to every person I knew as I had in the past. I tried getting into the "spirit" with a Peppermint Mocha or two, but nothing seemed to work. Not really.

This year, at the beginning of December, my family and I moved into a new house. We are expecting a baby in the spring and we all agreed that the baby couldn't sleep on the dog bed, so we needed some extra space. My husband and I agreed also agreed, no gifts for each other this year. We don't really need anything anyway and I have boxes and boxes of random stuff left to unpack out in the garage. So really, it's like Christmas every day around here... We got a mountain of Lego for the boy, some cooking items for the girl and nothing for anyone else. It felt good to be so simple. Different, but good.

I've come to the realization, perhaps over the past few years even, that Christmas isn't about the gifts you give or get. Even if they are handmade, which are my very favorite to give and to receive. What I've learned is that a kind word is worth a thousand dollars. Being with family is immeasurable. And time spent together is priceless. 

Happy, Lovely Christmas, everyone!

-deanna